pieces of you

"Thought that I was finished
Thought that I was complete
Thought that I was whole
Instead of being half of something"

friend of mine like the band the Proclaimers because they could fit the words "margarine" and "Saskatchewan" into the same verse of a song...

i've been thinking about that above verse a lot. Suka asks me every so often-- what am i looking for in a relationship? Master/slave? Daddy/boy? Dom/submissive? heck, toss Trainer/pup in the mix... or am i just looking for "girlfriend"? Would i have ever imagined three years ago that one of my relationship possibilities would include being someone's puppy?

But so many people in the Leather community are defined by their relationships to the people in their lives. So many people consider themselves just a piece of something bigger.

i have not dated much in my life (which comes in handy if you think about it-- fewer exes to run into at the grocery store) so i've never considered myself someone who needs to be defined by who i'm with. But the more i hear about and learn about Master/slave Dom/sub type relationships, i wonder if it IS something that has been missing from my life. So, i'm trying to figure out WHAT i'm looking for... maybe if i figure out WHAT i want, i'll have an easier time of finding it?

i was telling a friend of mine just last night that i like the idea of wearing a collar, an "i belong to..." cat tag, sometimes even a leash. but it's been a long time since i've had that, and the LAST time that i had that kind of relationship, she didn't deserve me. but THAT'S a long time ago

what were we thinking?

i just finished watching Fahrenheit 9/11 for the first time... and not that i supported "W" ever, but OMG how on Earth... WHY did any of the American people re-elect this man?

Lincoln's Ass is HOT

i work at a discount bookstore chain, and we price the publisher overstock that we get at a centralized warehouse. everything in the warehouse gets priced and tracked with a barcode label, and a portion of the title gets printed on the label... but there is only so much room... we get some interesting titles in the bargain... i save the funniest labels:

"Fighting Cock" (fighting cockpits-- a calendar of airplane cockpit photos)

"Creative Wipe" (i think this was a kids workbook or something)

"Wine Made Sim" (only funny since my work title is SIM--Store Inventory Manager)

"Pope Action" (HOT Pope on Pope Action!)

"Cook'n With P" (I think that the P was for Pillsbury)

"God Calling"

"Fish Tank Son" (fish tank sonata, a weird art/photo book)

"Seven Drunken" (maybe a Kung Fu DVD?)

"Hip Hop Ho" (this series for young girls called Bratz... full title was "Hip Hop Hot")

"Messiah-Jew" (a software game called Messiah and it was in a jewel case)

"Holly Moneyho" but she was still only $1.98

"Lincoln's Ass" (the classic that we fall back on week after week. shortened from "Lincoln's Assassins". Every joke at the warehouse comes back to Lincoln's Ass... "The History of Farting really blew out Lincoln's Ass")

regrets.... yeah-- HA!

"i've got a delicate mind
i've got a dangerous nature
my face collides
with your furniture"

little Annie Lennox/Eurythmics there. Song called, you guessed it-- "Regrets"

i keep telling myself that my biggest regrets are not those of action but of inaction-- rarley do i regret what i have done. often do i regret what i have NOT done...

i got invited to go to Boston for this big fettish flea market-- invited to teach a bootblacking seminar. but since this was the last weekend before X-Mas and i work retail, i wasn't able to get enough time off to go for the full weekend. Sigh. i told the presenters that i couldn't do it. a friend of mine who was going anyway and (in HER words) would have been my Igor taught the class. we wrote a handout together for the class, and a few hours before the class she called me with some last minute questions.

But less than a week before the event i realizedthat my work schedule would ACTUALLY kind of accomodate me going-- even though it would have been for one VERY HECTIC day... go to Boston saturday morning and then return to Milwaukee in time to wrok Sunday at noon... doable but a bit of a nightmare...

i decided "not worth the time/money/headache." but the "Rock Star" feel was appealing...

now i'm wishing that i had gone...

i'm just hoping that if i HAD gone, i would have regretted going...

i can't spend my life second-guessing the choices that i have made. i can try to learn from them, but that's just a fancy way of saying "you know you'll make the wrong choice again..."

recently i realized that i am DRAWN to bad choices-- "should i have another beer? NO. WILL i have another beer? HELL YEAH!" (as an over-simplified example...) going to Boston wasn't a BAD choice, but not a logical choice-- so the more i wanted to go, the more i decided that maybe THIS was one of those "bad choices" that i tend to be drawn to.

and i'm going to DC for MId Atlantic Leather in a few weeks-- i've got plenty of opportunities to make bad choices there...

cake or death?

yes, just get two or more bootblacks together in a room with a chocolate cake and you've got yourself a party...

i just got to participate in my third event with official International Ms. Bootblack duties-- judging for the Southwest Bootblack competition in Phoenix, AZ. i am molding and shaping the bootblacks of the future... anything to reach out and grope someone... i mean... yes, well having gay men lick frosting off my chest is the most action that i've had in quite some time, so i'm not going to crown myself Royal Slut quite yet...

but the one thing that i kept saying all weekend was that if i weren't already a bootblack, GOD i'd want to be one because i ALWAYS have so much FUN when hanging out with my bootblack brothers and sisters! theses are some of the BEST people that i have met and i LOVE that i can travel the country and hang out with these guys!

yes, that's right. i get to travel the country to shine shoes... how weird is THAT?

and we all take our titles oh so very seriously-- on Saturday, Alan (International Mr. Bootblack 2004), Cub (International Community Bootblack 2004), and Bootdog (Pacific West Mr. Bootblack 2004) and i swapped vests all day and we played with our rubber devil ducks... by the end of the weekend the Bootblack Community was dubbed the Animal House of the Leather Community... we could do worse.

can't take my eyes off of you

i've been bothered by a lot of things lately, as i'm sure many of us have been-- finances, my trick knee (won't put down that deck of cards), the future of our country (a country that ACTUALLY CHOSE "W" to serve a second term-- is this some sort of of deathwish?)

but the one thing that i just can't stop thinking about is...

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

i was sick for most of last week and since i don't have cable, i pop in my Buffy DVDs and watch episode after episode ALL DAY.

But what bothers me about Buffy is the way they interpret the "staking" aspect of slaying vampires. Okay, karate kicks and back flips followed by a quick THRUST of a wooden phallus makes for exciting TV, but the purpose of staking a vampire through the heart was to do it while they were sleeping to nail them INTO their coffin so that they would not be able to rise to feed. This physcially and spiritually binds them to the earth (and since they are dead, this is where we have decided they truly belong...)

Plus they are not completely consistent with how people are turned into vampires-- MOST they show rising from the dead, clawing themselves out of their coffins. But some characters have been shown getting changed on the spot (this goes mostly for "important" characters that they don't want to have to wait around for...)

i'm not saying that i'm going to stop watching... i've only gotten about a third the way through season 5... and i've already got season 7 on the way from Amazon...

200 things that you probably don't care about...

i found this on my friend's blog (www.steelbuddha.net) , so i thought that i would do my own... the ones in BOLD are the ones i say "yes" to:

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease

11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars

21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse

41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer.
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts

51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice

61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero

71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day(transferring to the couch for a change of pace counts)
73. Posed nude in front of strangers (Mooning is not technically posing.)
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On"by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it.

81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married

91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas

111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live (TWICE!)
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents (thirteen-year olds should NOT have to pick out coffins)
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship

121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. …more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication

141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being

151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet

161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi

171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions (i got someone kicked off e-bay as a seller... does that count?)
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad

181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them (well, it was the dorm cafeteria...)
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fishing... eh, close enough)
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions.
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

well, that's 87 things... not bad.

sleep would be nice...

i have to get up in about four hours for my flight to New Mexico... and i can't sleep. i'm on some heavy duty antibiotics right now that are, overall, kicking my ass. they are helping what i'm taking them for... but otherwise i feel like i've been turned inside out and tossed off the back of a moving truck...

four hours on a plane... bleah... BUT once i get to New Mexico, i am going to be well taken care of. and that will be very nice. sucks that i have to be sick for my trip, and it sucks that i have to go across the country just to be taken care of while sick (i was going to NM anyway...)

but right now... i just wish i could sleep. oh, how i envy the ability of cats to just lay down and SLEEP

past ponderables...

Soap is clean. Soap scum is dirty.

Who decided that tiny candy bars were a "fun size"? you have to eat a BUNCH of them to equal one normal candy bar, but after you realize that you've just eaten 10 "fun size" candy bars... you're not feeling too good about yourself... i don't think THAT is much "fun"...

What are CAT scans looking for, anyway? i would HOPE that you would know whether or not you have a cat up your ass... and i would also HOPE that you do NOT have the aforementioned cat up you ass...

Thursday's ponderable

so, while watching CSY:NY i was reminded of something that i've thought of before--

Back in the Dark Ages, when the belief in magic was rampant, any time someone had their hair or fingernails trimmed, the clippings were collected and destroyed so that magicians could not perform Dark Arts upon the subject.

Today, those clippings and fragments are called criminal DNA evidence...

chain reaction

i don't really have much to say... But i feel compelled to write SOMETHING since the other night i was talking to a friend of mine and she was talking about something that i wrote in an earlier blog. And i'm like "Someone's been reading my BLOG? DUDE maybe i should write more!"

no, wait, i DO have something to talk about-- chain reactions. In the attempt to save money for an event that i went to a month ago, instead of renting a car, i drove my car. Now, my car has never been farther from home than Chicago-- about 100 miles. But i needed to go to Indianapolis-- nearly 400 miles. The journey killed my car; i broke down about an hour home towards Chicago. Towed it to a dealership in Lafayette, IN. Now, when a dealership tells you "do NOT spend another penny on this car"... You KNOW they mean it.

and now i have a new car. Luckily a car that i am QUITE happy with. So, yeah, chain reactions. My desire to save $150 by not renting a car-- three weeks later i'm giving away my dead car and buying a shiny sports car...

it's a change that HAD to happen, but it took something drastic to MAKE it happen. i had to be forced.

oh, yeah, by the way

oh yeah, by the way, i won that thing that i went to in Omaha... that was another part of below-mentioned weekend...

love and lust in cyberspace

okay, so i met someone about a month ago. met her first in person actually, not online, and we hit it off straight away. lots in common and all that. and there was flirting and some kissing and, well... that weekend was just too darned short. so, we exchange e-mails and kept in touch for the first few weeks.

well, we've been writing to each other nearly every day-- e-mails , text messages, all that geeky technology to have simple conversations. nice thing about communicating through e-mail, though is that you can think out full sentences BEFORE they leave your mouth and cause irreparable damage...

okay, you can still cause damamge with even well thought out e-mails, but that's not the point of this particular entry... luckily...

so, we've been e-mailing and such. and i have a photo of her, and even some video footage. and she has access to photos of me, and yes we HAVE met in person already. but the majority of our communication has been cyber. so, after about three weeks of e-mails and AIM, she invites me to her place for beer and movies and such this past weekend... she lives close enough (two hour drive) that it's not an epic journey, but a bit too far to just pop in for tea.

and i had a GREAT time in our day and a half together-- she has fond memories and i have fond memories, but now we are back to the e-mail/text message/AIM aspect of our communications...

but the "problem" is that... i have to remind myself that YES she does ACTUALLY exist. see, i've been spending so much time THINKING about her (much more than i've actually spent with her in person) that i catch myself wondering... did i make this whole thing up? i mean, i am fully aware that she is an actual person that does live and breathe-- there is video. there are photos. but our physical time together has been so very brief. and it doesn't help that there was beer involved... clouds the memory and all that...

next time we hang out-- there needs to be less beer and more kissing...

oh so glamourous Omaha

i'm leaving for Omaha on Wednesday to compete for Int'L Ms. Bootblack... and i'm sick with nerves. not puking sick, but darned close...

i have laundry to do, and cleaning...

i'm gonna miss my kittens... i'm not going to be able to sleep until this is ALL OVER...

Everything happens for a reason

I've been hearing that a lot lately "Everything happens for a reason." It's kind of the less-cheesy way to say "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!" because it's not something you say to someone who just won the $145 Million Powerball. It's something you say to someone who's just been dumped, or had a family member die, or didn't get a promotion.

Which is another way for me to say that I didn't get the promotion. I lost out to someone who already lives in Minneapolis and who is already in a position higher than me. Actually, for the guy that got hired, it's a lateral move. When Bill was telling me that I didn't get it and why, Bill made me think that he had pretty much already picked this guy even before I had my interview (I, of course being out of state, was last to be interviewed). So, it's not so much that I was beat, it was that I was beat out before I'd even heard about the race.

So, I'm not bitter or upset. Heck, it now just means that I don't have to move out of state. But the downside is that, to prepare for the move, I've been mentally gearing up for having to move-- where will I live, what kinds of clubs would I like to hang out at, where are the good coffee shops... I had so immersed myself in that role, so to speak, that I now have to re-gear for Milwaukee. I no longer have to tack on five hours of drive time to get anywhere south of me.

an odd dilemma...

past, present, and future

so, i just had an interview today for a promotion within my company. the upside-- and downside-- is that this would involve leaving my home, and moving to another city and state...

part of me is excited (i have not been picked for the position yet, so excitement is premature...) and of course, part of me is down-right terrified...

i'm not as afraid of moving to a new city as what moving to a new city for my job means-- moving to a new city for my job would mean that i am one of "those people" that chooses their job (and money) over their friends.


that scares the shit out of me.

just trying to find

so, at this point i'm not really blogging... i'm just trying to find my old buddy Noah, and i had to create a blog just to do that... he's on blogger.com...

maybe i'll use this, maybe i won't...

we;ll see...

i might have a lot to say in the future...